I don’t feel like writing. I know that I have to, and I know it will make me feel better. I don’t know what to write about this week. So welcome to my stream of consciousness, as if that isn’t the norm.
A really good friend said something to me tonight that cut through me, and this is the second time I have had this exact phrase knock the breath out of me. I was talking about being in a bad place, and she assured me that I had reason to be there. I don’t know why, but that simple acknowledgement took me by surprise just as it did the first time I heard it.
I spend all day trying to be tough, and trying to handle my grief the “right” way. There is a teeny tiny little piece of me, that never gets recognized by me. That part of me that is crippled with unbelievable sadness. Sometimes, someone sees and acknowledges that part of my heart and it is such a relief. I told my amazing friend that those words felt like a great big hug.
When the going gets tough, I crawl in a hole and lock down my heart. I find myself, not wanting to put forth the effort to maintain relationships, especially those that are far away. Some of the most special people in my world are far away, and I would give anything to hold them all close to me. I just need to remember, and I am sure they will help me, that there are many kinds of distance.
If you are one of my friends/family that lives far away, please don’t let me put emotional distance between us too. If you are one of my friends/family that lives right down the street, (DAD), please don’t let me put emotional distance between us either. I am trying, that is all.
Andrea Emilien (@AndreaEmilien)
March 20, 2012 @ 3:49 am
I love you! You cannot hide from me and I will always be there with a hug and a smile. You are allowed to grieve. It’s important. And we will ALL be there for you.
March 20, 2012 @ 4:39 am
You are a strong woman and showing that emotion that you are tucking away doesn’t make you less tough. Kids just understand you love her so much and you get to talk about her and they ask questions and its like she is here with you. It isn’t easy but over time the pain stings a little less.
Many hugs from far away.