Even though this is titled to a singular ex-boyfriend, it really isn’t. This is a message to anyone who has a special or not-so-special place in my past that really needs to stay there. I wanted to address it specifically to the individual so that no one can sit and read it and assume I am talking about everyone BUT them.
First let me start by saying that I have been HAPPILY married for FOURTEEN years this May. I am as sure that I have met my partner in life as I was the day I accepted his proposal a mere few weeks into knowing each other. There wasn’t a moment of hesitation then, and there isn’t a moment of doubt now. I did want to make that clear, but ultimately this post isn’t about him. If I needed my husband to handle situations like this, I have no doubt the message would be much more clearly stated and I know I wouldn’t have to ask twice.
This is about me, JUST me. When you knew me, which we have already stated was a REALLY long time ago, I was a very broken individual. I was really good at people pleasing but not so good at knowing myself. I had scars from my childhood, but who doesn’t? My first truly broken heart when I was 17 and for many years after that every decision I made was made through the clouded judgement of the tape and twine that held me together. The longer I ignored those stitches, the more they pulled me apart. In all seriousness, and I know you probably cannot hear me, I was NEVER yours. I was just a shell of a person for many years before you and for many years after you had gone.
Then one day I had a personal experience, a meeting with my angels so-to-speak, which changed the course of my forever. I was in a situation where I knew I had to dig deep and find myself in the rubble. It irrevocably changed me, and that moment is the reason that I can safely say that you don’t know me. You don’t know who I am. You may have never really known me, but after this moment in my timeline you can be absolutely certain that you don’t know me now.
The person I am now is amazingly strong, fiercely independent, and confident in my place in this world. I am the kind of Mom I always hoped to be (mostly), I am the co-owner of two successful companies, and I am a wife of epic proportions. I have both started and finished my degree, I have had a decade long career come and go, gained and lost 170 pounds, my adopted daughter is getting married, and she has already given me my first grandchild. I would both figuratively and literally be unrecognizable to you.
While I understand and cannot blame you for occasionally thinking of the awesomeness that is me, I assure you that whatever it is that you imagine does not exist. I know this may be difficult to process as I have worked hard to not mince words. It is my sincere hope that you will find some closure here and maybe move on. After all, you of all people should understand that demons who enter my circle…