This week, I had a much needed meeting with my therapist in response to last week’s post. We discussed what I feel is missing from the equation. The biggest revelation is that I have no reasonable motivation to stop eating. I “should” want to be smaller, I “should” want to be healthier, I “can’t” be happy with where I am in my wellness journey. I feel all of those things once in a while, but these feelings don’t last long enough to spark any serious motivation. The fact is, I want to eat what I want all day and every day and I am motivated to maintain that lifestyle at all costs.
I can track all of these issues back to some seed or another from my childhood, but that doesn’t help me find the reason to change. So we, my therapist and I, are looking for that motivation on a really basic level. We have started by changing how I log my food. Instead of logging the numbers behind my food choices and calculating my success, I will be “blogging” my decision making process surrounding food choices. This has made it an immensely different mentality when logging, and I have successfully documented every food decision since. I am even considering publishing that log, but I am not quite there yet.
I am not sure what clues this log will give us, but I feel closer than I have in a long time to actually unlocking the mystery that is me. 
Happy Mamavation Monday!!!
October 10, 2011 @ 1:29 am
I’m glad to hear you feel closer to unraveling it all. I hope the changes in logging continue to work for you. Good luck, hun!
October 10, 2011 @ 2:51 am
Love reading your blog. I am more then willing to help you in any way that I can! Don’t worry about publishing your log until you are ready or if you are ready. It’s ok. What matters is that you have what you need to do for you. I am here to cheer you on & to support you. Let me know what I can do! Have a fabulous week!
October 10, 2011 @ 3:09 am
WOW – It’s definitely important to be inspired to lose weight. Good luck on finding it! Have a great week
October 10, 2011 @ 4:03 am
I fall in the same general area. I want to be thinner, healthier, but I just can’t put the cookies down if they are in my house. I crave sweets all the time. My mind is always going, so I try to reason with it…hope no one catches me talking to myself 😉
I love the idea about writing the feelings out about food. The dietitians that followed me in the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy loved my comments about it all. Especially the anger towards not being able to start over after an insulin shot. Food can make me crazy. It also makes my mom mad because I must talk about food too much.
Glad to see you forging ahead and being so open about it. I am going to start writing my feelings about the food again. Thanks 🙂
October 10, 2011 @ 4:36 am
Blogging your food is an interesting tool. It would really force you to explain (at least to your self) why you are eating that food. I may have to try it.
October 10, 2011 @ 4:27 pm
I’m so happy for you for making some emotional leaps and bounds. You can do it. So excited to see where this journey takes you! Hugs!
October 11, 2011 @ 3:00 am
POST IT! I’ve been wanting to get a hold of your food logs for two years!!!! Knowing that someone was going to be checking them, and the fact that I cannot lie, made my log a serious part of my progress. I have logs that actually list Doritos for breakfast. You should see the comments Daryl wrote next to that one! Afraid of what people will say? Why are you not afraid of what YOU think? I am so freaking tired of logging my food. I’m tired of thinking about it. I considered giving up food altogether. Seriously, I told Wyatt to yell at me the next time I eat. The negative stigma around simple fuel for the body has to be let go. The best I can do is to change one bad habit at a time. At the moment, I’m struggling to keep my face out of the cupboard, because I am not hungry, I am just on the computer, in front of the television, frying my mind into wanting what it always has this time of night. LET IT GO. Everything is alright, life is good, food is fuel, and I will get better. So will you! Awesome idea, writing your feelings down too. It’s going to work.
October 11, 2011 @ 12:38 pm
I am with Jenny – post it! I read a blog about a guy who posted everything he ate in photos. He said he lost weight because he didn’t want people to see what he was really eating so he would eat better. Maybe this can be that type of project for you (and give the rest of us some ideas too). Good luck this week!!
Yummy!! Fair Food!! « Cultivating A Well Being
October 17, 2011 @ 7:32 pm
[…] some really good info from the food logs that I am working on with my counselor that I mentioned here. Not focusing on details, measurements, and “pass or FAILURE” is a good method for […]