I have always admired people who can put intense feelings into beautiful words that totally make sense, but the second my world begins to fall apart my own words fail me. I know that I tend to work things out here on the blog, and I know that has always been my initial reason for starting my blogs. I guess I still have not found a way to be real with myself when things get really bad. I know I suffer with depression, and I know I put up walls when I feel the most vulnerable; yet somehow I still default to those old habits. So I am going to attempt to be real, and I mean REALLY REAL if only for a moment.
My spirit has been especially troubled recently, and I keep stumbling on myself. I am getting overwhelmed by the sheer number of things that keep coming at me. I have had to say goodbye too much, and I am a control freak who HATES change with every cell in her body. I have been outside of my comfort zone for too long to remember what my comfort zone even feels like. As hard as it is for me to type these words, I am just beginning to realize that I will never be back in it again. I am going to have to start from scratch to try to piece together a brand new one. Talk about scary, even the sacred place within my own head that I used to be able to hide in has been obliterated. I used to have killer defense mechanisms, and they got me through some pretty nasty stuff. Although, in my journey for wellness I have begun to break down those walls and it is uncomfortable as Hell! I am dragging myself through the nasty now so that I can come out the other side without it eating away at my insides.
I am scared, and lonely, and anxious, and sad, and angry, and confused; but I am hopeful! I am learning with each step that I take. I am coming to terms with the things that I am learning about myself and the world around me. It is unpleasant. It is hard. But it is Good!