Today is the big day, and it’s a good day. In a few hours polls will close and my fate will be decided for me. I have to keep reminding myself that what is being decided is how I am to proceed, not if I am to proceed. I keep reminding myself that these votes are not an accurate reflection of how deserving I am or how well loved I am, but rather simple logistics and how each of us decided to play the game. Theoretically, nothing is going to change. I still have the power to make change either way, just as I have the ability to blow it either way. Although it seems like I am surrendering control of the situation, I am actually the ONLY person who has control of the situation. While I hope and pray that two of us in particular get to face this together, I am reminded that tonight does not decide that. We do!! So now that I have let you witness my pep talk, I can get down to business.
I was approached by several people who offered to let me guest post to raise votes, and I wish I could have gotten it together to do more. Ultimately, my story was just too personal and emotional to keep re-working for “publicity”, so I settled on one. I love that it was Mia who stayed on top of me to post, because she was the first Mamavation Mom that I watched from beginning to end, and the first Mamavation Mom that I voted for. Her journey spoke to me then, and her support speaks to me now. So, if you guys would hop on over to her blog, Bruises in the Frosting, check out my guest post there and check out how Badass she while you are over there.
I wanted to mention my hiccup this week, because I only went semi-public with it out of shame. Later it occurred to me that just like my before picture, I have to fully disclose the embarrassing to be truthful with myself and accountable to myself. I was feeling deprived for the first time since applying to be a Mamavation Mom, and I make stupid moves when I am feeling overly deprived. I had no emergency stash of healthy choices, and there was no talking me down. I pulled into the Krispy Kreme drive thru!!! (Now mind you, this is the same woman who pulls into her favorite donut shop just to say hi to the girls and pull out empty handed and feeling good). Anyway, I pulled in and ordered a carefully planned chocolate sundae, which may have actually been ok…if that is where it stopped. There were three seasonal donuts on display. I ordered two of them; I ordered the dark chocolate iced and the dark chocolate iced and filled. Why did I order two donuts to go with my sundae??? I ordered two donuts because I was already beating myself up for being there in the first place. The bright side to this dark story is that I figured it out before the second donut was gone. I talked myself down from the ledge, and smashed the last donut and threw it away. My lesson was hardly over. I still had to suffer through the unfun sugar rush, and the crashing stomach pains. But survive it I did. This did not derail me, but help me to be more careful about being a t-totaler. I am going to have to allow myself a little room to wiggle from time to time, ESPECIALLY since I am making long term changes! I keep telling my kids, this is NOT a diet, it is a new life.
Last week’s weigh in was fishy because coming off a 7+ pound loss there was no movement in the scale for the second week’s weigh in. So I worked really hard to stay off the scale this week and not obsess…OK so the scale wasn’t working, I don’t have a will like that. I got on the new one this morning and faced a 6.4 pound loss!!!! I know that some of that loss is to be shared with last week, but holy cow!! That brings me to a 16.4 pound loss since applying to be a Mamavation Mom at my highest weight three weeks ago, all while spending half of it nursing my back. I can’t wait to see what happens when I add the workouts back in.
So, I am off to pace the floors, and you should be off making sure your votes got counted as well as all of your family and friend’s votes as well. Check out my Facebook page or my twitter feed on this page for the update tonight!!
The voting is over, and I will not be a Mamavation Mom for Campaign 11. I am busy refocusing my energy, and figuring out what my next few steps are. You will hear more about this very soon, I promise.
January 30, 2012 @ 10:19 pm
We all have those moments where we lose a little battle. You did great by not continuing to slip and smashing that donut! I have done things similiar where I have taken a bite of something I shouldn’t, only to spit it out after tasting it. I felt guilty as can be but the good thing is you are improving and realizing when a bad choice is made! Don’t dwell! Each day is a new day with new opportunities!
I am here to support you whether you are selected or not. We all owe it to our families and ourselves to do this! I’m always here for ya girl, don’t ever hesitate to contact me! 😀
Good luck tonight and don’t be too nervous! You’ve already taken important first steps!!
January 31, 2012 @ 7:52 pm
amazing job on talking yourself down from that ledge. I know how hard that is.
February 1, 2012 @ 2:03 am
MILI! Do it 🙂
And thanks for the nice words <3