Lately, my thoughts have traveled back to my first love more than I am used to. Its not that I miss him, because I am not the same 17 year old that first fell for him. There is much I have learned about love and relationships since those days. To be honest, I think it is this XM radio station I have been listening to that plays the theme music from those days. Anyway, as I keep drifting back to those times, I wondered why the hold is so strong. I think I finally figured it out!
Before I fell in love for the very first time, I still had my innocence, and not just in the literal sense. I was a strong independent woman, who believed that anything was possible. I was never one of those girls in school who needed or even really wanted a boyfriend. I was a girl who was interested in changing the world and getting things done. Then I hit the brick wall that is a first love. I lost all sense of self preservation and reality for over a year before my heart took its first blow. I was not the same again. The world is a much different place when you have a jagged heart. It took me many years of mistakes and self deprication for me to finally get a clue.
It was after three and a half years in another very unhealthy relationship that I finally went looking for that girl again. I pulled out old high school letters, pictures, momentos, and even journals. I was able to tap into the strength that that young girl had before the world broke her heart. It is only with that strength that I was able to get it together in time to find my husband. The reason I bring this up, is that maybe I need to tap into her strength again to get through this journey into wellness. I guess I need her on my team too, and I need to believe in myself the way that girl did. Now when I hear a song that reminds me of that time, I will tap into the strength that she had. I will know that I can nuke this, and I will know no boundaries or limitations just like that innocent little girl who didn’t know any better. She believed in me and it is high time that I do too.