I have always admired people who can put intense feelings into beautiful words that totally make sense, but the second my world begins to fall apart my own words fail me. I know that I tend to work things out here on the blog, and I know that has always been my initial reason for starting my blogs. I guess I still have not found a way to be real with myself when things get really bad. I know I suffer with depression, and I know I put up walls when I feel the most vulnerable; yet somehow I still default to those old habits. So I am going to attempt to be real, and I mean REALLY REAL if only for a moment.
My spirit has been especially troubled recently, and I keep stumbling on myself. I am getting overwhelmed by the sheer number of things that keep coming at me. I have had to say goodbye too much, and I am a control freak who HATES change with every cell in her body. I have been outside of my comfort zone for too long to remember what my comfort zone even feels like. As hard as it is for me to type these words, I am just beginning to realize that I will never be back in it again. I am going to have to start from scratch to try to piece together a brand new one. Talk about scary, even the sacred place within my own head that I used to be able to hide in has been obliterated. I used to have killer defense mechanisms, and they got me through some pretty nasty stuff. Although, in my journey for wellness I have begun to break down those walls and it is uncomfortable as Hell! I am dragging myself through the nasty now so that I can come out the other side without it eating away at my insides.
I am scared, and lonely, and anxious, and sad, and angry, and confused; but I am hopeful! I am learning with each step that I take. I am coming to terms with the things that I am learning about myself and the world around me. It is unpleasant. It is hard. But it is Good!
August 3, 2011 @ 1:56 am
Moses was in the boat as you are in now,but his father – in- law gave him these words.Moses you have to much on your plate and you need help. Divide up the work among the people that you trust and you deal with just the major problems.
It’s Satan’s plan to keep us so busy that we fail to see what we really need to do .Take everything to God ,Lord I lay my day at your feet now show what I need to do and give the strength to carry it out.
I see that the enemy is really working on you with depression ,which will effect you physically and mentally. the next is something that you wrote.
I have been outside of my comfort zone for too long to remember what my comfort zone even feels like. As hard as it is for me to type these words, I am just beginning to realize that I will never be back in it again.
Ask God to give you peace ,and joy into your life,We are in spiritual battle and mans way will never defeat the enemy. No pills, laying on couch talking to a doctor, and handling on your own will defeat the enemy. Trust God after all in our weaknesses his strength will come through if only we learn to lean on the everlasting arms of Christ.
Shelley Oswald (@Momma_oz)
August 12, 2011 @ 8:33 pm
Don’t need to know what all is going on to let you know how strong and brave and wonderful you are.