This week, I had a much needed meeting with my therapist in response to last week’s post. We discussed what I feel is missing from the equation. The biggest revelation is that I have no reasonable motivation to stop eating. I “should” want to be smaller, I “should” want to be healthier, I “can’t” be happy with where I am in my wellness journey. I feel all of those things once in a while, but these feelings don’t last long enough to spark any serious motivation. The fact is, I want to eat what I want all day and every day and I am motivated to maintain that lifestyle at all costs.
I can track all of these issues back to some seed or another from my childhood, but that doesn’t help me find the reason to change. So we, my therapist and I, are looking for that motivation on a really basic level. We have started by changing how I log my food. Instead of logging the numbers behind my food choices and calculating my success, I will be “blogging” my decision making process surrounding food choices. This has made it an immensely different mentality when logging, and I have successfully documented every food decision since. I am even considering publishing that log, but I am not quite there yet.
I am not sure what clues this log will give us, but I feel closer than I have in a long time to actually unlocking the mystery that is me.
Happy Mamavation Monday!!!